I haven't checked my mail in 3 years but hey, give it a shot.
Here are a few questions I asked myself:
Am I old? Yes. Fine. Frankly, if any of you know of a show called Ducktales, you're old. I've checked with my 14 year old students and none of them know Ductales.
Am I technically incompetent? Maybe, but only when computers are concerned. Most of the time I'm simply acting technical incompetence as it seems to amuse people.
Am I uninterested in new developments? No, but I choose not to care about so many of them.
Social media is one development I wish would go away. Not so much because I find it useless, far from it. MSN can be used to talk to people you don't want to call, skype (if that even falls under the social media category) can be used to save on telephone bills, Hyves can be used to exchange foto's easily, Facebook can be used to check how people are doing without them knowing you're still stalking them after 8 years and a possible accidental impregnation. All very useful.
However, the social media are now invading my personal space and, very much like an alien facehugger or those headsucking things from 'invasion of the bodysnatchers' they seem to change the behaviour of the people around me. I'm comparing social media to alien invasion. Gods, I need therapy.
Anyway, here's a shot of my mailbox this morning. Don't worry, I'm sure I'm gonna make a very good point at some time in this article. But first...
Hotmail can suck it
Now, its important to note that I don't really care about any of this. Max apparently digs tthe upcoming weekend, even though wrote it when it was tuesday (no life!), Anton wrote 'horn high' which I can only assume is some terifying sexual methaphor I don't want to know anything else about and Teun celebrates his alien abduction into facebook.
I didn't ask for any of this information and by Buddha I can't make it disappear. Its hardwired into my hotmail account. I can add more useless stuff by linking even more retarded media into my account but I can't make it GO THE FUCK AWAY. As you may note by now, that's disturbing me.
It gets more disturbing to me when I'm forced to look at this picture each time I open my hotmail.
That is the most godawful tie I have ever seen. Its like a candy cane. No wait, I can do better. Its like an abomination against nature itself! Its the most hideous tie invented since Therry McTwat said to himself 'I'm gonna wear a piece of fruit today and I don't care what anyone is gonna say.' This tie is the worst idea since Douglas Haig said to his soldiers in the trenches, 'come on lads, lets make another run for it!'
Why do I have to watch this tie? I can't click it away or spraypaint over my screen as that obscures other details as well. All I can do is wait until mr 'I sit at my computer all day and I have nothing interesting to say in my facebook account' changes the picture.
It only dawns on me now that I should probably not show pictures combined with names, but I've already written all those insults and posted the picture. To make up for it, here's the same picture but with a dinosaur crudely placed on his head. Privacy protected!
Also, this was his last post I'm forcibly watching each time I check my mail. I know that the economy is in the sumps but I'm having a hard time believing you've been watching Mythbusters for 5 days in a row, good though that show may be. It seems a major drawback of using social media is that if you don't update every hour you look like a complete twat.
Even more annoyingly are conversations. I was shown a typical Facebook conversation the other day and was stunned at the very seriousness of the crimes against the Dutch language that were being committed there. Here are the charges for the court to consider:
One: Interpunction (you know, capital letters, comma's, points) seems to have been outlawed in social media. Nobody uses them. Capital letters are optional at best.
Two: Sentences make no sense anymore. Its like they're ending as soon as the apparent point has been made. Coherency is no longer a priority and neither is any connection with reality.
Three: Smiley things are everywhere. I understand the intended value of a smiley face occasionally but not after each frigging sentence people! I seems to have lost touch with the smiley and symbol communication culture as well as I thought 6^ was a symbol I just didn't know. Turns out it was a typo. (who the fuck notices typo's anymore in social media?) Personally I still think the 6^ looks like a creepy pedophile sticking out his tongue when you drop your head to the right so I'm sticking to that explanation.
Look, the message (and verdict) should be simple. Putting a smiley face after each sentence makes you look like you're laughing about your own jokes and that's just stupid.
Not as stupid as this thing through:
I see this thing way to often and in all imaginable contexts. What are you trying to implicate by using it? That you're mentally retarded and have trouble keeping your pink fleshy appendages to yourself? Because if so, stay the fuck away from society.
Four: Sharing your idiocy. The very fact that I was shown a facebook conversation and was supposed to share in the apparent laughs is proof enough that the idiots are proud of what they're building. A world safe for shared stupidity. That brings me to my next point (of sorts)
Real life implications
So, the social media have people posting some bits of their lives on the internet. More specifically, the bits I don't care about. Fine. They can do as they please and hopefully they won't bother me to much.
Well, enter the next generation of phones that can be used to check your social media WHEREVER YOU ARE. Hu-fucking-rah. Now I can have the pleasure of watching people typing stuff in their idiotic facebook accounts even in the midst of a rock band performance. Talking is no longer required because you can type, thus saving the vocal cords. A great thing, in the upside-down universe I now apparently live in.
It went as far as real life conversations breaking off in mid-sentence. 'Hold on, I must stop talking to you. The INTERNET is saying something!'
I'm not really certain if Michiel ever did that, but it sounds like something he'd do, so here's a picture of him with Mick Jagger's head crudely placed on his face for no other reason then spite. Also, I still hate that tie.
And if they only had something interesting to say, things would be so much better. What can possibly be said 24 hours a day that can be so fucking interesting? Nothing, as it turns out. Its all just jibberish. Communication for the sake of communication. Not one item of genuine interest, just mindless chatter. On and on and on. 'Hey, you just said something. This is a response! Haha LOL, ROFL'
The day after a particularly good night out with rock music, topless service and a stipper and everything the sunday was left hanging back and watching movies. I actually saw one dude having withdrawal symptoms due to not having his phone with him to check his media. Actual fucking withdrawal symptoms, like he was hooked on meth or something. Yeah, now I'm comparing social media to methamphetamine. I'm sure this will one day be considered the 'new drug' (of stupid!)
As I see it, I can do two things. I can wait for the day when I'm finally old enough to yell to kids to get off my damn lawn. Then, maybe, I can finally close down my now very usefull hotmail account, not have any hyves or facebook or whatever and be happy.
Or, alternatively, I can dive nose first into the sea of stupid, take deep gulps and hope the salty musterd flavoury idiocy drowns me fast. Cause drowning in stupid is what's happening. Generations of people who don't really get 'correct spelling' or 'write the fuck what you mean to say and not this jibberish' and get violent withdrawal whenever they're seperated from their phone for more then an hour.
Am I an angry, backwards looking, unadaptive grammar nazi? Maybe, but someone has to do be.
Social media suck.