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Boring friday night
It was a dreary friday night with all my friends either at places I wasn't going to be or stuck up at sports training things and i'm suspecting I'm not going to see 'the day the earth stood still' unless I'm gonna watch it by myself. And I can't do that since I can't drink alcohol when I'm alone. Due to driving. Since I'm far to lame to do anything else tonight I might as well watch a movie write a review about it. Yeah, good times.
In the name of the king: A dungeon siege story
Oh good. Another video game movie adaptation by director Uwe Boll who is already a legend for creating the most awful movies since Ed Wood. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, the story seems as good a place as any to start. Its basically lord of the rings with a distinct Uwe Boll flavour, meaning its hideous. Some sort of orc like things are attacking the realm and capture the family of a farmer called farmer. No, seriously. I didn't believe it either. What is the point of doing that? Its not necessary for the story and it will just create raised eyebrows on reviewers anywhere because it makes no sense whatsoever!
Anyway, the good thing is that farmer (sigh) is portrayed by the duke of awesome, jason Statham who you may remember from such greatness as 'Deathrace' and 'the transporter'and 'punching you in the face'. The bad news is that even he seems lost at making anything remotely interesting from this fantasy piece of rubbish. And even worse, he's not alone. Because who do we encounter in this movie besides Statham?
John Rhys 'Gimli' Davis
Burt 'Cannonball Run' Reynolds
Kristanna 'Terminatrix' Loken
Ron 'Hellboy' Perlman
Even if we accept the story as being unimportant and I do this a lot, there are many other issues that knock this contraption flat on its ass. All the dialogue is boring and inspirationless. All the actors, awesome though they may be seem to be lost at doing anything. Boll manages to take a scene where Jason Statham chops down several attacking orc things (krugs or whatever) and makes it suck! His scenes are terribly set up, battle choreography doesn't seem to go any further then 'slash the dude' and Statham almost seems to be bored to freaking death! Burt Reynolds is worse though. He actually seems to have trouble staying awake.
The special effects aren't great either though they're probably the best thing going on. Its always fun to see a CGI army, even if animation seems to be made by whipped Koreans. Too bad its not good enough to create some truly awesome scenes. Even more sad when you realize thos movie cost 60 million dollars. Did all of that get spend on Ron Perlman's hair who was perhaps trying to be the peasant with the best haircut? Seriously...
So, before I officially run out of steam and bad things to say on this movie lets put an end to it. The story is bad, the actors seem to be on auto pilot, the action is lame, the CGI is made by pistol whipped Vietnamese ex-porno actors and the mystery continues.
Why is Uwe Boll still allowed to make expensive movies?