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Last friday it was collectively decided by several people who promised me there would be beer that it was a good idea to combine a baerbecue with watching idotic films. Now, barbecuing in the middle of a cold soggy and windy winter day is a seriously great idea as barbecuing is awesome no matter what but combining it with movies is akin to true greatness.
The evening started well and after we had accidentally turned our barbecue into a raging inferno that incinerated our first batch bacon in seconds we were ready to eat. Bread mostly though.
Next up it was time for movies and if you take the time to read the following review please have some understanding foir the fact that I was filled with alcohol, bread and meat drenched in barbecue lighter fluid. My opinions might be influenced by this.
Still, reviews of idiocy. Where else can you go?
The first movie of the evening was about a girl losing an arm to the Yakuza who gets it replaced with a machine gun and goes on a bloody spree of rampaging vengeance. Pretty much an ordinary Japanese movie then.
American movies of this type tend to be either pretty damn good (Kill Bill) or so horrible it warrants no further attention (Revenge, with Bruce freakin Willis) but the Japanse are not concerned with our fanciful and rigid concepts of what is 'good' or 'tasteful' or even 'not vomit inducing'. No, they think we westerners are all horribly lacking in imagination and when they go to make a movie the audience has to be thoughly shocked.
Luckily, these things work by a tried and true concept. There are rules for any idiotic Japanese revenge movie. Let me walk you through it:
Blood is the fuel of revenge
First there must be blood. Pure and simple. The average Japanese body contains somewhere in the vicinity of 10 gallons of blood and its all under high pressure. Also, the massive streams of blood can be turned on and off at will.
Also, it must turn into a fine mist almost immediately after it leaves the human body.
Blood is the basis of the Japanese revenge movie for reasons I don't fully understand. Perhaps it can wash stuff away or it just plain looks cool. At any rate, there's tons of it in any Japanese movie featuring even the tiniest bit of violence..
The deaths must become more creative with every scene
This unfortunate man lost his fingers because he dropped a cooky. He was then forced to eat his own fingers on biscuits. That's just a small taste of the sheer deranged insanity Machine Girl drops on our stunned unprepared western heads who think they can sit in their decadent western chair and eat their capitalist pig potato chips. pah! We'll show you how to make a movie!
Thank god it only gets worse. With every scene the way people die get more creative, more insane and more impossible. I say more impossible because impossible is pretty much the basis from which they start. They go from impossible to totally fucking mental.
By the time you reach the end you'll have learned its possible to shoot someone skin off with a mini gun and carve someone head in two with dinner knives and my personal favourite, baking someone's arm into Japanese pancake..stuff. Or something. I don't know what the fuck was going on.
The badguys must have a weird dance at some point
At this point we had already been through a lot. Badguys dying at ever more creative ways, people losing limbs every single minute and a Yakuza dude who was getting slapped around by his wife.
Then, the High school ninja's arrived.
In all my years of watching stupid movies I have never seen such a ludicrous twist as this. A trio of dancing red suited ninja's brandishing swords carved its way into the scene and did their little intro dance. That photo is not the cast mucking about but an actual shot from the film. A film that was supposed to be about a girl taking bloody revenge on Yakuza was now invaded by the freaking Power rangers.
Luckily, they were killed quickly and brutally. Moving on.
The hero is completely undefeatable
By the time the movie reaches its end our protagonist has been through a lot. She lost her arm to the Yakuza, got her breasts drilled off by a crazy yakuza lady and has been beaten around by so many people I lost count (also, I stopped counting after the highschool ninja's had been shot to bloody pulp due to laughing so hard).
Despite all these mind numbingly awful things our hero stays focussed and keeps on murdering people at a steady rate. She never falters or even shows signs of her awful pain. Also, bleeding to death due to horrific injuries is clearly something that happens to other people.
Get the fuck out of my way! I haven't murdered anyone in over 23 seconds!
In comparison to our hero, other human beings seem pathetic and weak. Even the big strong men are feeble things that completely disintegrate in seconds when faced with her fury. Literally, disintegrate. They're Japanese, remember?
So, with such a collection of totally deranged madness hurling at your face how can it fail to entertain? I say it is completely impossible.