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I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
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Oktoberfest crisis
Ah, oktoberfest. Its not like us true alcoholics need an excuse to get excruciatingly drunk in the weekends but somehow, it still helps. And yes, of course I feel the deep urge to celebrate the harvest festival or wherever this drunken bout of lunacy comes from. Harvests matter! It’s the harvests that provide us with stuff to eat and stuff to drink. Sweet alcoholic drink. However, all isn’t well in Oktoberfest preparation land. I never like it when I’m forced between two options I both care about and therefore it became awkward when Joep announced his birthday party on oktober 10th which is etched in my brain simply as ‘beer night’. To express how deeply I care about going to Oktoberfest I’m going to give you
6 Reasons Joeps should set his birthday party to oktober 9th so he can come to Oktoberfest on oktober 10th Yeah I know, it doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue but then its not meant to. Its meant to give Joep a serious number of arguments why he needs to come along to a drinking festival which, given his military low alcohol tolerance, he will most likely not survive without barfing his lungs out.
It may give you a temporary sense of power. We know Joep likes to think he has power and he probably gets his kicks ordering around people of lower military rank but fact remains, when he completes his training he’s an airforce lieutenant. Google the word lieutenant and you get this on first page:
A dude with an electric powerfist. That’s the kind of power Joep wants. The kind to smash skulls and kill space marines. In the real world, it means he gets to sit behind a green screen and tell planes what course to take. If he does it wrong, people die. That’s not power, that’s horrifying responsibility. Jezus man, I’m responsible for kids future’s and even I get to screw with their brains almost every day. However, when I screw up, they don’t die. Well, perhaps they kill themselves out of shame later but I can’t be held responsible for that, right? Oh and I'm not implying child pronogra[hy either. Jezus, get your sick mind out of your ass for a second. Point is, if you change your party you get to act like you did something for us and that means power. In your mind, at least. And if that fails, you can wear a silly German hat. We know you like hats.
German music The Germans know how to party and on occasion so does Joep and I've got plenty of embarrasing vacation photo's to prove that point.
For security I blocked the face of the anonymous Games Workshop employee we encountered in Nottingham for fear of the dreaded Games Workshop cyborg laywers. Those things are killers. Anyway, every man has to admit that at some level he likes German mountain orchestras. It may be deep down in the cockles of your heart but the feeling is there. It makes us feel good and it makes us feel even better because we know we don’t have to listen to it every day. Just when we’re really really drunk. Oh and speaking of that…
German beer and tables and quote shouting. Well, the beer comes from a dump called ‘Lieshout’ and its just a few miles away but it comes in German glasses which means it’s a lot. And a lot of beer is scientifically the same as a lot of awesomeness. Seriously, its been proven. I know scientists ok. And they’ll tell you the same thing.
I’m not sure if Michiel’s an actual scientist or just some schmuck who walks in ponds to extract samples for a living but he works in a lab, so its probably ok to put his face in yet another article. But never mind that. The sheer Germanity of it all is sure to appeal to your crazy, secretly German army admiring brain. Long tables at which to sit. Massive glasses. People in lederhosen and alpine dresses. Why is your brain still doubting? Tell it to get in line and be at Oktoberfest! And if this isn’t enough convincing:
We’ll pay for a lot of it
Ok, here is where the hurt starts. I’ve asked several of our loyal Oktoberfest revelers and they agree. As part of your birthday present we’re willing to pay your entrance fee and a lot of beer. We know we can drink more then you because well, military dudes are famously poor drinkers so we can probably afford it and by the time it becomes problematic we’ll be to drunk to care how much we spend. Its win win!
I’ll do your birthday party shopping on the 9th! The hurt gets worse when I say I’ll do the shopping for you. I’m not paying for your Friday night party of course but I will do the shopping. Just make a list, e-mail it to me and I’ll buy it. That will make it easier for you to come back from military land and come face down in a world of convenience. If necessary I’ll light the barbecue too but I fear there will be massive forest fires involved if I do. I don’t do well with flammable things.
Its another chance to fall asleep at an embarrassing place! or surprise us and stay awake for the entire evening!
Your (cough) disciplined military mind tells you to go to sleep whenever you're not working which makes long nights of drinking seemingly impossible. This is a perfect chance to either redeem yourself or give us lots of wonderful new photo opportunities!
You cannot miss Oktoberfest. The Gods forbid it.
Oktoberfest rules!
Back to the world of sucks and rules
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