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Starship Troopers 3
First of all, Christian propaganda???????
Starship Troopers 3 has stormed its way straight to DVD and finally, after the help of Roel who is pictured below caught shaving, it found its way onto my screen. Finally. At last!
Ok so this is random but if you don't think this picture is funny, you're either a mormon or you have a pig up your ass.
So, is it any good? Well, its surely violent and in my book that's usually equivalent to being good. In the first half hour an entire base is practically overrun by the bugs and we get so see plenty of gory special effects. I just love those bugs in action. And after a lot of unnecessary character development and blabla we finally get what we, as the short minded, violence oriented public have been waiting for for the better part of a decade. Giant robots shooting the crap out of giant insects. Its like a dream come true. A spiky and explody dream. With claws and grenades.
John Rico is back. We learn that he has been killing bugs for the entire bug war and has steamrolled his way into the second bug war. We don't learn why this is now called the second bug war and how the first one ended, but who the hell cares? Some more people arrive, some of them women with ridiculously full lips and massive breasts and a singing sky marshal. Things go horribly sour almost immediately and the sky marshal and his big breasted friends end up on a planet, besieged by bugs. Rico has to save them.
Ok, so the story sucks donkey balls. Apart from the twist at the end I didn't care in the least about any of the problems any of the characters faced. Apart from the doctor and the ships cook who were eaten by a planet. That ruled. And the giant planet sized bug. That ruled too. And an entire base clawed to bits. Pretty cool. Perhaps it wasn't completely lame after all.
However, this movie faces a lot of problems worse then the story and they're all pretty much contained in its cover:
This cover shows what we all realize about 10 minutes into the movie. Its so horribly low budget that its pretty tough to show anything remotely awesome on screen. The bugs look worse then ever with their CGI clearly downgraded for this flick. The new Scorpion bug is fairly obviously a dark blob with a blue light on its rubber tail and the bombardier bugs are just fragging lame. All of these are big issues. These issues are amplified when the marauder battle suits enter the fray and you want to grab your playstation controller because of the low class graphics. The CGI and special effects suck. Fair and square.
What bugged me the most by far though was the horrible Christian propaganda at the end. Humanity kills giant bug and thinks they rediscovered god? Holy crap! Holy fucking dirt covered, ass raping, ball licking crap! Without a doubt the lamest thing I've ever seen.
However, its still Starship Troopers and despite its lame effects and its lame acting and its defunct character development and the horrible Christian propaganda there are redeeming factors. You still get human heads impaled on bug claws. You still get people chopped in half by bugs. You still get arms cut off, limbs zapped, bugs smashed to pieces by guns, starships being blown to bits by plasma. Despite all its faults, its still cool.
And its gonna score good on the MI table too, despite the absence of Michael Ironside, which is keenly felt.
-People lose limbs
-Lots of fighting
-Not a completely lame script, sort off.
-Frontal female nudity
-Fairly good representation of the human species.
3 it is then. And rightly so.
I leave you with a Youtube embedded trailer of Starship Troopers 3 and that's because the trailer is actually better then the movie itself. A bad sign, to be sure but I'll be damned if this trailer isn't fragging good.