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Transformers review: part 2
Recently Robert informed me that he didn't agree with my review of Transformers. He had done the counting himself and ended up with a score of 3 MI's. Now, I don't like being corrected on anything, let alone a movie that I feel so strongly about. I've gone to see it three times now and I still massively like it. Anyway, he was wrong. Obviously. And if I have to cheat in order to prove him wrong then so be it. Its not really cheating when you're the one making the rules anyway. So, lets run it by the MI table of coolness again:
Giant insects? Yes, oh Gods yes. Its an insect, it can shoot rockets from its claws and it impales a hapless soldier on its tail. What more could we possibly want??
Children getting killed? This is a little tricky. I guess that we could assume that the kid who led the soldiers to the village was killed in the fight however it would be easier to assume that at least a few children were killed when Optimus and Megatron were kicking the crap out of each other in the middle of the city. Either that, or at least a few fatalities when Starscream and the Airforce started firing missiles at random. Either way, a lot of people died so its flagrantly unfair to assume that all the dead were adults.
People lose limbs or get severely impaled? With a little rule modification we can safely say: Yup. The only Ranger who died in the fight against Scorponok was impaled and swung around violently. As far as movie deaths go, this one ranks in my top 10.
Giant robots? You need to ask?
A fighting scene of at least 10 uninterrupted minutes? No problems with this one. The fighting scene against Scorponok made me drool all over my popcorn and that was before Starscream started shooting up Hoover dam. Badass fighting is all this movie is about.
Decent script? (Does the story make sense to you?) It was simple enough and despite a few plot holes perfectly understandable. You should not be asking dumb questions like 'why on earth did they go to the centre of a city with murderous Decepticons chasing them??' and instead focus on the awesome coolness of Megatron slamming Optimus Prime through a building.
Frontal female nudity or at least a lot of female beauty on screen? Woman driving giant robot around through a battlefield also counts. Had to modify this one slightly... There's no direct female nudity but I think we can all agree that Megan Fox was one hot lady. The fact that she was driving Bumblebee over the battlefield while he was blasting Decepticons made her even more badass. So I think it only fair that she bags this MI.
Do any of the following actor's characters die in the movie: Viggo, Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Ben Afleck, Luke or Owen Wilson, Rob Schneider, Reno Wilson.
Had Orlando Bloom been in this movie I would have thrown up so its a good thing that he wasn't. To be honest, no cast member annoyed me sufficiently enough to be on this list. The only one who annoyed me at times was Frenzy, that little Decepticon who almost killed George Bush. He died to often, got to life again and made life miserable for John Turturro. So its a good thing that he eventually got wacked by his own weapon. Yup, the guy who voiced that little anklebiter is deservant of a place on this list. Reno Wilson is one guy I would like to see die on screen more often.
Good representation of the human species? (or are they all depicted as dumbasses except the main character?)
Humans got off pretty good in this film. They blasted Scorponok with overwhelming force and the Ranger team went on to defeat both Devastator and Blackout. The F-22's sorta finished off Megatron and they reacted pretty good when Starscream started shooting them from the sky. All in all, humans did well.
Does the movie contain 1 or more of the following actors: Michael Ironside, Chuck Norris, Patrick Steward, Ian McKellan, Bruce Willis, Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush., Kurt Russel, Sean Connery, Al Pacino, John Turturro.
John Turturro has been long overdue for a spot on this list. He played 'the Jezus' in The Big Lebowski and plays yet another screwball in Transformers. Agent Simmons is easily the funniest character in the movie and with that in mind he bags the final MI with ease. -- After the count we come to a solid:
See Robert? You were wrong. Doesn't matter though, sometimes we need to be told the truth several times before we realize it.
Transformers rules!
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