I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
Every once in a while you'll come across someone so irritating that you'll never want to have anything to do with him ever again. That's fine but if you're in a situation where you're likely to run into him again you don't just need to annoy him, you need to make sure he doesn't ever want to talk to you again. You need to antagonize him so that every time he sees you he looks another way.
Right, so how to do that? Lets see if I can get this down in easy steps. people love easy steps, don't they?
1. No mindless insulting just yet
First, its important to avoid insulting the appearance of the person you're trying to get rid off. Unless you yourself are physically perfect (and statistics say you're not) they'll find something to throw back at you and the discussion will go in a direction where its hard to get away from with dignity.
Or alternatively, this may happen and you may want to steer clear.
2. Name the things that bug you.
No, instead of meaningless physical insulting you should stick to making it clear that you're annoyed with the person in question on an somewhat intellectual level. Make sure he understands you don't only think he's an idiot, you're convinced he's the result of a marriage between a cabbage patch and a small rodent. You're be a happier human being for every second he's out of your direct visual range. Planet you would be a hell of a lot more awesome if the annoyingly orbiting body of DIPSHIT wasn't there sucking up valuable gravity.
So what's the behavior you're annoyed with? Identify it and name it a couple of times in various sentences. What constitutes annoying behavior? Well, here are a few things you might want to watch out for:
-Desiring to speak all the time.
-Talking rubbish when talking
-Being judgmental about a man's personal life while knowing nothing. (you don't even know my last name you ASS!)
-Only being able to talk about one subject. (I'm looking at you World of Warcraft fanboys)
-Acting superior because he's a vegetarian/teetotaler. (Adolf Hitler was also a vegetarian and drank no alcohol and look how well he turned out.)
There are dozens of other options for you to be annoyed with. Take time to identify it and throw it in his face. Make sure the dipshit knows what level of annoyance you're on and if necessary repeat yourself until he actually notices you're doing it. Then, you have him where you want him.
3. Witty insults!
Once admiral dipshit knows you find him annoying you can move into the sweet zone. Downright intellectual insulting. If you lack wit, prepare a few sentences and trust me when I say its worth it. Normally I rely on the situation to provide inspiration but here are a few to get your own inspired insulting going:
"Dude, I'd rather rub sandpaper over my eyeballs then ever exchange another word."
"Dude, sitting on that stool is a waste of valuable stool resources."
"Ok, so when are you getting back to moron town?"
"Toot toot, here comes the clue train coming for stupid guy."
"I'm gonna have to get more beer if I have to listen to more of your rubbish."
Ok, so these suck. I'm sure you can be a hell of a lot wittier if you set down your tea for a moment. You can go as low or as high as you want but usually it helps if some bystanders either support you or at least laugh or smile at your remarks. Otherwise, you might end up looking like the very jerk you're trying to get rid off. But hey, if all other people are jerks too in your (by now doubtlessly narrow) perspective antagonize the whole lot of them in one go. If you're good you can do it. Believe!
4. If all else fails, mindless insulting.
Unbelievably, some people need more work to get the message across. Once you have exhausted your supply of witty insults you may want to stoop a level and go back to the insulting of appearance. Perhaps ignoring him might work too or throw in a few classics like "talk to the hand!"
It may not be witty. It may not be pretty but it will probably get the job done. May the lords of rudeness be with you.
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