I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
Something short yet somehow entertaining
I'm buying a house. I'm doing a part time Master study. I teach history nearly fulltime. Starcraft 2 is out. I still haven't finished all of Napoleon Total war. I paint complete armies of plastic soldiers because people pay me to do that. I'm somewhat busy.
So, when someone asked me ' well, I did kinda like reading your site. Can't you occasionally write something short yet somehow entertaining?' that still got me thinking. Short yet entertaining? I think I can do that..
So, Danny, here we go. How could I deny anything to you and your awesome Ghostbuster car. Short yet entertaining. I can do that. Nothing to heavy or convoluted.
Scientific evidence that a benevolent God is a lie
So, apparently there's a debate going on about whether God has created us or evolution did most of the work. This debate is so ball crushingly retarded that it should come to no surprise that it is held in the United States, the natural habitat of stupidity. With growing disbelief I watched the arguments of both sides. Where science calls upon things like 'facts', 'evidence', 'logic' and 'don't be so goddamn stupid' the religious call upon faith and point out that god loves us all and that our continued existence is proof enough.
Frankly, I think both sides are somewhat missing the bigger picture. The evidence towards God's existence is so overwhelmingly awesome I'm surprised there are so many atheists left. Just as clearly, God isn't a loving God, a benevolent God or a caring God. He's an asshole. Seriously, how can you guys be so wrong about all this?
Lets see if I can enlighten your closed minds with some make-belief science, my favorite kind of science. Lets see, I know some things about science. After all, I've seen the opening scene of ' the incredible hulk' three times and that was chock full of sciency things.
First, the titles need to be ridiculously long to imply I know bigass words. Second, there needs to be a lot of text so people will stop reading halfway and assume I'm correct about everything afterwards. Third, statistics and diagrams make stuff look scientific. Also, note I've stopped using ComicSans as Times New Roman looks so much more scientific and less like an 8 year old was typing it.
Right, lets do this.
The first excessively long titled piece of circumstantial evidence towards my case of God's existence and hateful nature.
The religious know squat about anything
To understand the nature of God and accept his existence into this world we need to set one thing clear. Evolution and all associating theories are by all probability true and to denounce them or even question them is utterly moronic. That does not preclude the existence of God, it just means not everything was 'poofed' into existence as certain religious folk would have us believe.
I know the Westboro Baptist Church is an extreme example of idiocy but the sheer level of ignorance of certain religious groups borders on the unbelievable and the people walking around the 'god hates fags' at burials of killed soldiers are far from the only example. There is no way actual people can truly be this stupid and I now believe the only way human beings usually get this way is by full frontal lobotomy or being born in Kansas. There is just no other way.
The European Catholics are equally ignorant but add a frightening doses of arrogance and child molestation to this mix, making them both laughable and disgusting and evil. Not unlike a shark wearing a wig.
The bible is filled with the rantings of primitive people from another times who insist of talking about stuff like the murder or innocent freshly conquered city dwellers, God speaking to the reader about killing anyone who doesn't believe in him and countless miracles and fantastic events that were probably just volcanoes. A ludicrous book that isn't even that fun to read despite all the wanton destruction going on.
And then there's the Muslims. You know what? The less said about the Muslims the better. The fastest growing religion in the world is also the one with the highest level of medieval stonings, wife beatings and killing in the name of a holy book in the world. I'm sure Muhammed would be proud. Its like whenever you hear a Muslim talking about any random topic we're all afraid he'll suddenly jump up and start burning a flag or something. They're creepy.
By this moment you've either already begun scrolling downwards or you're saying 'they're not wrong about everything!' but yes, they pretty much are. For example, even the benevolent stuff the catholic church preaches is nothing new and probably stolen from older sources. Seriously, do we need the church to still tell us stealing is bad? These are the same people who once told us that it was ok to murder Muslims because they were rotten anyway.
So, I think you can agree with me that the religious know squat about any random topic. Lets move on.
The second excessively long titled piece of circumstantial evidence towards my case of God's existence and hateful nature.
Atheists are being jerks.
I know that's not being very scientific but I think I have artistic freedom. After all, I teach history and if there is one thing we like to do its to have a hero and a bad guy. Some atheists lend themselves well to being the bad guy because they're at least as intolerant as the most fanatic ayatollah.
Richard Dawkins is probably nr 1 which is why Southpark choose to pick him as the leader of a violent atheist future that could only be solved by blind faith. Interesting role reversal there and completely irrelevant to our point but remember, I'm trying to get as much meaningless text here as possible in order to confuse you and make you more susceptible to my point that, as I continue typing this, is starting to sound increasingly redundant. Also, I like Richard Dawkins, his calm nature, his professor title and his English accent. The man was born to be on television and to infuriate the religious.
So, the argument of Atheists that God doesn't exist is, as I see it, about as well founded as the one where God exists. I do believe the religious have a better methods of selling their rubbish then Atheists who insists that after death there's no heaven and there's well, nothing really. Well, that kinda sucks doesn't it? They know this and in order to divert our attention from this minor bummer they point out that we should live here and now because our time is finite. They base this on nothing because nobody has ever told anyone about what it is like to be dead.
The religious respond by pointing out that this will happen to atheists:
They base this on equally nothing. The empty arguments is pitted against non existent knowledge. Its like listening to two blind people debating about the color blue.
The truly awesome atheist, namely the ones who aren't retardedly yelling 'There is no God!' point out that there is a difference between believing in a lack of God and a lack of the magical poofing of everything in existence we see today. They hate stuff like the Pascal wager because that gives credence to religion in a very 'just to be sure' way. I've fallen for that argument myself and still visit church every Christmas along with all the other hypocrites and even declare each time I walk back out that my soul is safe for another year.
So, if people want to believe, go right ahead. Nobody's stopping you. In fact, I understand some people want to make it mandatory. I promise I'll be the first to shout how great and powerful Allah or Boeddha or Zeus is as soon as the panzers start rolling in and my shouts of denouncing God will be equally hypocriticval as soon as the Atheists form a world government but until then, I'm sticking with being agnostic. There has never been an argument about agnostic mass murderers while the track record of mass murdering religious people is not good. Atheists mostly get off the hook on the mass murdering thing though they are insufferably smug about it.
Atheists claim the higher ground in the argument but if they're being honest about it, they could be wrong. Perhaps God wasn't a very smart designer or maybe he outsourced the designing to several other omnipotent entities. Perhaps he's just screwing with us. Maybe, just maybe, he's an asshole.
The third excessively long titled piece of circumstantial evidence towards my case of God's existence and hateful nature.
Observations of the planet Earth.
Please open your local TimmyNet and do a search for the words 'penis shaped country'. While this will inevitably give you results that may be unsafe for work (get back to work you lazy bum!) you will also get this one.
I'm going against my nature of anti-retardism and use a Glenn Beck argument. Which is retarded. Remember, the idea here is to get you to doubt anything. A single doubt and I've succeeded.
A penis shaped iceberg? What are the chances of that? Coincidence? You decide! Excessive exclamation marks!!!
Don't use Glenn Beck arguments. The man is mentally handicapped and we shouldn't make fun of that. But honestly, are some of nature's features just our imagination or is there a dark and laughing God screwing with our heads? Also, seriously nature?
Some things in nature seem to be designed to scare the crap out of us. I think this is the most compelling argument for the existence of a malevolent God who sits back in his throne made of terror and laughs at our fears. In fact, I have no evidence for this but I think he may be feeding on terror. Like a buffet. A fear buffet. With garlic butter and little human skull shaped toast. Again, no evidence but he just might...
Anyhow, look at this.
The biggest crab in the world, seemingly designed to crawl up garbage cans and slay the men and hear the lamentations of their women. Its not poisonous, its not aggressive, its just goddamned enormous! Why does this exist? Because someone thought it would be funny, that's why. Not funny in a haha kind of way but more funny in a 'look at him run, I just might give him a complicated leg fracture now, because I can do that. I'm God' kind of way.
Nothing compares to the Brazilian wandering spider though. Please, heed my warning and do not look directly at its horrible visage.
You looked at it right? Then please go and ignore my next warning as well. Do not google this spider! As the folks at Cracked,com once wrote, ´it will turn you to stone´. Or something like that anyway. There it is. The single most horrible thing in this world. Its gigantic. Its aggressive like a Velociraptor and a single bite is enough to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger three times over. Jean Claude van Damme 4 times and Steven Seagal 7 times probably. Chuck Norris is probably immune to its poison because Chuck Norris is way to awesome to be killed by even the spawn of Satan.
Fear of spiders, especially ones as ginormous as the wandering horror is hard wired into our brains. Entomologists, or as I like to call them, ´crazy people´ are an exception but then, exceptions usually prove the rule, right?
God is out there, hatching new schemes of terror. His designs may be flawed and outsourced to lowest bidding omnipotent designers and it may seem moronic at times but like that crawling box of pure fear proves. every once in a while they succeed. Remember the argument is that God hates us, not that God is an intelligent designer. Perhaps he's being funded by the government for brain damage I don't know. All I know is, he screws with our brains.
Frankly, I'm not even going into natural disasters seemingly designed to screw us over. I think they're pretty self explanatory.
The fourth excessively long titled piece of circumstantial evidence towards my case of God's existence and hateful nature.
The slayer argument
Fans of the band Slayer are both insane and awesome.
While I've never had the dubious pleasure of going to a concert of these folks I do get their cultural influence. Its big. People who have never been to Slayer concerts still shout out ' Slayer' wherever they are, and to whatever band they are listening. Also, I'm not the only one doing this as it happens a lot. If you visit bands, you will have heard this. If not, get out of your cave more often.
But even to one like me who understand Slayer's apparent cultural relevance don't get some of the weird shit the name spawns on the Google when you type ' Slayer'
Seriously, Google? A slave Leia convention? What does that have to do with anything?
Anyhow, Slayer, in all its cultural relevance does make an interesting point. A point they have no doubt come across in their own spiritual wanderings, namely that God hates us. This is it folks. Even the most gnarly hard core scientist must admit that once its printed on the front of a Slayer album, it must be the absolute truth.
I mean, slayer has done its research. Just look at this very scientific graph:
And also this one for good scientific measure. We wouldn't want to be accused of only using one source, now would we?
Clearly, these folks know what they're talking about. Frankly, I believe this should settle the argument once and for all. Once Slayer enters a scientific debate, the fat lady will sing shortly after. Things are done. Over. Finito.
And with this overwhelmingly powerful conclusion I bid you, the Internet, goodbye for now. Feel free to mail me with feedback but I will not be reading it because I still can't find my login data.
God sucks. Slayer rules.