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Well, I finally did it. I grabbed fear by the mouth and jammed my steel knife through its messy insides to revel in its gelatinous ichor.
Now, asides from that being the most incomprehensible and possibly a far fetched creepy erotic metaphor it is completely on the mark for I truly feel I have completed a grand experiment. A true achievement of human endurance and one thatís not likely to be done again any time soon.
Not pictured: Me
I have taught classes for an entire day whilst suffering from one of the most appallingly horrible hangovers in my entire life. Bask in my alcoholic magnificence or abhor the sheer scale of my irresponsibility. The choice is yours.
The story began as so many do, in a bar. I was asked to come to a Ďreunion partyí to celebrate the time the bar owner had spent in our fair time. Mind you, Iím not sure if its appropriate to hold a reunion if youíve only been somewhere for 2 years but Iím not one to refuse an opportunity to get free beer. Yes, free beer. Well, the first 2 rounds were and then I had to open my stupid mouth and offer my fellow Thursday night drinking lunatics something. An 11 euro costing something too! Apparently regular tap beer is no longer good enough, we have to go fancy pants and drink bottled beer because it Ďdoesnít taste like donkey urine.íPfft, bunch of sissies. When I was defying the heights of the Ardennes mountains did I think, Iím not having this Belgian yoghurt Pepsi? No! I drank whichever came first which unfortunately turned out to be actual pepsi flavoured like Yoghurt. Yes, itís a beverage.
And so is Tentacle rape juice
I digress. I do that a lot when my head has turned into a throbbing sack made of pure pain. Why I had gone to the bar is a mystery because I knew I had to teach the very next day on the very first hour. Even when not hungover this is an incredible pain in the ass but for some reason I kept drinking. And drinking. When I went home I had a strategic reserve of just 3 hours of sleep left which honestly for most people isnít even enough to recharge your basic motor functions and more worriyingly its not enough to get much alcohol out of your system making it totally illegal (and therefore more AWESOME!!) to drive. Being the responsible jerk that I am I checked the busstimes and found that my strategic sleep reserve was now only 2,5 hours. And I wasnít even freaking home yet. When I finally got home there were a sleek 2 hours of sleep remaining.
The next day, in this case just 2 hours later began with an ear shattering shriek of epic proportions that almost burst my eardrums. Oh no wait, those were birds. Then I was confronted with the sound of a collapsing sequoia tree splintering into thousands of pieces with deafening noise. Crap, that was the stair creaking when I walked over it. You get the point, I was messed up. Technically at this point it wasnít even a hangover yet, I was still a little drunk. Luckily, this had totally worn off when I stepped on the bus and then, just 2 minutes later off it again. Oh no wait, I spend more then 1,5 hours on the bus and it was a living hell. With zombies. And freak haired monsters. God, I hate public transport.
This probably didn't happen.
Thinking about my sweet sweet car I had left behind I drudged into my classroom and let out a sigh like only the very desperate are capable off. My drunkenness was truly a hangover of epic proportions now and I thoroughly cursed my stupidity. Why hadnít I taken any water before I went to bed? Why did I drink so much? Why hadnít I taken any pizza when the guys ordered out? All questions that needed answers.
The lessons followed in fairly quick succession with my hangover becoming ever more noticeable (the red eyes are a somewhat hideous giveaway) and the fact that I completely forgot to shave also contributed to my somewhat ragged appearance. Luckily I could count on the kids not to give a crap and keep working (yeah, right).
Praise be to the Emperor, after what seemed like forever the day ended. I had done it. I wasnít sued by the management yet and my classes had gone by without a hitch. Aside from the two moronic imbeciles I made come back for punishment writing nobody bugged me. And those two are sitting right in front of me while I write this.
Hehe, payback and vengeance. Feels nice and warm. Like that weird thing from the first sentence.
Anyway, it is time to close up. For those still reading this, never let a lack of time or an abundance of good sense stop you from drinking, even when its stupid and inappropriate.
And now, Iím gonna get a beer from the school bar. Education is awesome.