I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
Canoeing with the mentally retarded
One of the perks of my teaching jobs is that literally no day is the same as the next. One day I'll be teaching merrily, the other I'll be watching Jurassic park with them, knowing they'll be scared out their little brains as soon as the raptor breaks through the wall, just like I was when I was 11. Some times however, a teacher finds himself with such horrifying stupidity that he questions the very meaning of life itself.
Canoeing is a ridiculous practice seemingly invented to promote team building within large groups of people who aren't at all interested in beer drinking. The practice isn't even as scarce as I expected because goddamn, if you got the choice, would you rather spend time on a stream then drink beer? Anyway, on the rare occasions that nobody gets killed during a canoeing trip out of sheer boredom it can be testing both to the body and the soul. Especially if you're canoeing with retards and I'm sorry kids, but if it comes to canoeing you are retards. Fat retards at that. But don't take my word for it. Observe my photographic evidence.
Now at first sight that may look like nothing special. Sure, they rowed straight into the bushes. Surely this was a one time event? No. This happened every single minute. Every. single. minute. And since I was the final boat and it was my job to make sure they all got home I got to watch the idiocy as it unfolded on every unholy turn of that endless river to hell. They claimed they simply couldn't do it as we all know canoeing is rocket science. Ok girl, If I can do it so can you. I hate sports and physical exercise and this canoeing is keeping me from valuable drinking time paid for by the school. Get over yourself and ROW! SCHNELL!
It got worse shortly after that.
My Nazism didn't catch on and some kids decided they'd be better off walking. I kid you not. The mush that passed for their brains told them they'd make better time of they got out and walked. For a moment I stopped rowing out of sheer disbelief. Then I quit rowing altogether cause I know a photo opportunity when I see one.
You can clearly see the mentally challenging situation I was in right here. Being to incompetent to row for themselves I had offered to take some back boats in tow, more out of desire to get to the free beer then anything else. Luke, or as I will call him for the rest of this school year, 'the terrible sea monster' decided to walk and pick up a large amount of reeds along the way. He then held on to the boat making sure we came to a complete stop.
It was at that point that I decided to screw it. Me and my fellow teacher who had gone even more batshit insane them me decided to unhook the idiot convoy and be on our way.
The average time for doing the canoeing course was 50 minutes. The longevity record was 2,5 hours. It took us 3 hours and 15 minutes. Beer never tasted so good.