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I fucking hate Nature documentaries. There's nothing on TV aside from the Fresh prince of Bel motherfucking air that pisses me off more then a nature documentary, especially if its voiced by some self righteous british asshole who seems hell bent on boring us right to our graves.
The reason I'm pissed off with nature shows is the way they fuck with the human race. Basically its an hour of telling us how much we suck compared to the creatures they devote an entire show to.
The Cheetah for example. Minute after minute they fill our heads with statistics and fancy science about how its the fastest creature on Earth and how easily they could outrun even the fastest human on a track or how Cheetah's are 'built for the kill' Well, boo fucking hoo. Built for the kill. What good does that ever do for a Cheetah? The damn thing has evolved to a point where all it can really do is run really fast and pick off the very weakest of any given herd of gazelle and if the damn thing's really unlucky its prey then gets stolen by a hyena, who has in fact evolved to mess with over developed pussies like the cheetah. Tough break.
But at least cheetah's have some redeeming qualities. They look cute and I understand they taste great. Unlike the snake. Nobody likes to eat snakes or even watch someone else eat snakes. If you remember the snake eating scene from Indiana Jones and the temple of doom you'll probably shiver all over again and stop your monthly cheques to whatever good causes you're supporting because the third world is filled with disgusting snake eating dumbasses who spend their days saying stupid Hollywood clichés like 'ooooh, snake surprise!'
But most of all I hate it when the documentary starts talking about what violence us humans are doing to the creature in question at that particular time. Yes, we're chopping down the rainforests and yes we're creating vast swathes of desert where there used to be none but Sweet fancy Mozes, there must be better ways to improve the world then by slapping together nature shows with annoying British people talking about the foodchain!
Here's how I see the goddamn foodchain:
There's actually no such thing as a lungfish. I stole that from halflife 2 because I thought it sounded cool.
Anyway, I hereby declare that if you've eaten less then 10 kinds of animals in your life then you've failed as a human being. Nature obviously put us here for a reason and that reason must be to destroy this planet and eat all its occupants in less then 50.000 years. If evolution has taught us anything it must be that. All the signs point towards us being the destroyers of the world. Wars, industry, pollution. We're getting closer to our goal. Total planetary destruction!
We need to get a move on if we're to stick to the time schedule. Don't want no dumbass meteor ruining our fun. We've got more eating to do! There's bound to be some animal species we haven't messed up yet! Yaks, wilderbeast, bisons, we'll hunt you down and eat you alive!
Nature shows suck!