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I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
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Prince of persia FUCK GRAVITY!!! Ahum, excuse me. So, the moviemakers have decided that us, the moviegoers need another movie based on a video game. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong here as all previous examples of video game to movie adaptations have gone so incredibly well. In fact, I’m waiting for the day when they finally decide to just throw decency out of the window and do a full version of both Napoleon: total war and Command & Conquer to show me just how much they hate the world and me in particular. Two things always come to the fore in this kind of movie. First, the leading player needs to be good, in a Johnny Depp type of way. The only person right now who knows how to do that was busy shooting Iron Man 2 so they just picked Jake Gyllenhall as the hero. I have no idea what I’m supposed to know him from and I don’t care. Before long, Gyllenhall finds himself surrounded with characters who are much more interesting then him. More on that later.
This is the only shot that at least features a character fromthe movie you will find by typing 'prince of persia' in Google.
Second, history is a thing that needs to be quickly forgotten but referenced to all the time. Who the fuck are the Persians? Easy, they are ‘fierce in battle but wise in peace.’ If I count the number of civilizations that would match this description I come to at least 24. There were the Romans, the Assyrians, the Anatolians, the Olmecs, the Sumerians, the Chinese, the Koreans, the ottomans, the Merovingians and so on and so on. Nobody cares which one you pick, just sound the coolest sounding one. I admit, Persia has a ring to it. Much more then the fucking Zoroastrians or something. Anyway, history aside, is this a movie worth seeing? Well, as said before the Prince is surrounded by a horde of characters who are more interesting then he is. There’s his brothers who want to kill him. The princess who wants to kill him and the dude who once played doctor Octopus who wants to kill him. Even the minions have more character then he does. I was rooting for that knife thrower dude a lot more then I was for the prince, for who I, frankly, stopped caring after 20 minutes or so. Gyllenhall is bland, no other word for it.
What does it mean if a pixilated character from 1990 meant more to me then an actor of flesh and blood? The story is equally uninteresting. The idea of the time stopping dagger is awesome but its used just several times without any purpose, undermining its coolness. The villain also fails to be cool, despite him being played by Ben Kingsley who must have gotten at least some of his inspiration from Jafar from Aladdin. Come on, a movie about the middle east without at least one reference to Aladdin. Impossible, I say! Also, the ending comes with a lot of CGI swirling and hokey pokey but without any sort of satisfying conclusion. leaving us with the thought that the good guy won mainly because, well that's apparently what good guys do. The main question remains, the one that all the fans of the games through the years are burning to have an answer to. Was there ostrich racing in this movie? Yes, there was. Finally, a movie where the full glory of the noble sport of ostrich racing can be seen for at least a full 7 seconds. You’ve done the world a favour Hollywood. The ostriches thank you. And finally, a fitting tribute, to the noble sport of ostrich racing.
Ostrich racing is fucking awesome.
Back to the world of sucks and rules
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