I never check my e-mail anymore:
Scary movie 4
For several years I truly believed nothing could possibly be any worse then Scary Movie 3. I really did. But then, they combined my least favourite scifi movie with my least favourite movie in general and came up with Scary movie 4. Sweet mother of Ironside.
There is nothing on this planet that can prepare you for the brain numbing shitstorm that is scary movie 4. I praise myself lucky I was able to avoid it for this long and I regret every minute I watched of it. I only write movie reviews of really old movies when I'm fucking angry or very happy. I don't even know words heavy enough to condemn this movie with the force I want to condemn it with but holy lords of Zion, I'm gonna give it a try anyway.
Story? Fucking hell man, there are barely characters in it. The script, which must have been a horrifying collection of satanic rituals turned movie scenes is just chock full of suggestions of girls fucking dolls, black people fucking each other and people getting hit in the face with heavy objects. For the love of Moses or some other deity we claim to worship, how many times can you hit someone in the head with a random object and still call it a joke? 10 times. 20? Seriously, man. I could make a movie if I get an exact number here. It will be called 'America's funniest home rapings' and will feature Bob Saget getting raped in various circumstances.
And then, just when you think things can't possibly get worse, they do. Like a bad movie cliche it gets worse. And worse. And then it becomes War of the worlds. The single movie I hate more then the whole Scary movie shitcarriage combined. It becomes war of the fucking worlds.
I hate war of the worlds more then I hate an itching scrotum. I would prefer scrotum itch any day over watching war of the worlds ever again. Pump me full of scrotum itch inducing drugs and I'll take it if it means I never have to watch war of the motherfucking-dogshitting-donkeyraping-asshammering worlds ever again.
Leslie Nielsen losing his clothes, girl shitting in front of other people. Charlie Sheen dying because of boner. There is no end to the unrealistically long string of ludicrous events that despite being totally fucking idiotic, aren't even remotely goddamn funny! And don't get me wrong, its a big goddamn feat to manage to be unfunny for as fucking long as Scary movie 4 manages to be but I for one can only stand unfunnyness when there is something else to watch. Why the fuck am I watching a comedy that is A: not funny and B: WAR OF THE FUCKING WORLDS! If I wanted to watch war of the thrice damned god forsaken worlds I would have stabbed my eyes out long ago and went to Tibet , where they have no movies. These Chinese are on to something. No Tv = no war of the crapstorming worlds.
There are no redeeming qualities to Scary movie 4. It is a blemish upon the movie industry. A cancer that we need to get rid of. A dark spot of evil in an imperfect universe. The fact that it continues to exist proves to me that there is no God. What kind of God would allow such a monstrous hybrid of non-comedy and war of the I-can't-even-say-it-anymore worlds?
No redemption. Nothing. No Michael Ironside's. Let it rot in hell.