I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
Back to school
Well here we are. After 7 weeks of vacation, including a road trip to England, the organization of a music festival, countless hours of television, 2 funerals and more beer then I can comprehend the vacation of 2009 has ended.
How do I know? Well, teachers are the only group of working people who are reminded their vacation has ended by the use of freaking flags.
No matter how bad you think your job is, at least your boss doesn't hang out a flag to remind you you're due back does he?
You cannot imagine the pain and sorrow of the first day at school. Every single teacher always feels the vacation was about 20 years to short and they wail like old fishwives who lost a husband who was peacefully working in the heroine industry to American gunfire. Luckily the sorrow is alleviated a little by the fact that on that first day they're not expected to teach anything just yet. No, instead we focus on more important issues.
That perfect swing for instance. Everybody knows that a teacher is only as good as his swing and in order to upgrade the quality of education we make golf mandatory on at least 3 workdays that would otherwise be wasted on unimportant things. The teachers generally, if grudgingly, accept this as part of their curriculum.
Only once every teacher can put a golf ball in an umbrella perfectly is he allowed anywhere near the children who's near illiteracy makes sure we get money from the government every year. As you can see, we take our jobs very seriously and no one is allowed of the course without that ever so important 'declaration of umbrealla putting competence'. Also, I think this decisively answers any questions any student or former student may have about what teachers do after school hours. They goof off, that's what they do. Shouldn't that have been obvious to your tiny little brain after 4 years of school?
After the golf comes the hardest task for any teacher on any first day of school. The obligatory eating.
As you can see, to make sure nobody is overburdened with stress by the monumental task of grilling your own meat alcohol is provided by the school with regular intervals. Conversation cards are provided to make sure no one is out of place on any table. Minors are strictly forbidden to witness this archaic social ritual. School janitors patrol the grounds with orders to detain and shoot anyone under the age of 16 on the premises. We're not taking any chances with anything.
Sadly, this perfect harmony must come to an end at some point and once it does we are confronted with the hard truth. The kids are due to arrive on the very next day. We all know that schools are much easier to run without the swarms of juvenile locusts ravaging the place every day and so we enjoy the moments of relative peace we get. If this includes golf and barbecues, so be it.
Secretly, I think teaching rules!