I never check my e-mail anymore:
The top 9 of fictional secret organizations
Secrecy appeals to our imaginations. we like to think there are secret groups of people and cyber-men working to keep us safe. They're in lots of movies and shows and while some are more succesful then others, most are perfectly awesome.
I compiled this list with the help of several drunk people so you know its trustworthy and thought through.
9. Section 9
Section 9 is the branch of the Japanese government in charge of internal security by use of several really weird people and a robot woman. They're apparently also in charge of the building and maintaining of sentient robots with high pitched voices which are not only useful in a fight but who are also fond of fresh oil and can feel love. Its never explained why the Japanese government would pay for these affronts to nature.
The essence of Japanese lunacy in one picture. Half naked woman, robots and a man with metal eyes.
I had a little trouble in understanding what exactly Section 9 actually did on a day to day basis as its boss seemed to occupy himself with everything from fighting terrorism to buying fine wine in France on company time but no secret organization would be complete without an eccentric boss, right?
8. Sector 7
Sector 7 made this list on account of them having the Jezus as a member and owning the worlds most awesome secret headquarters. Sector 7 proves that not all dams need to be solid because of sissy 'structural' reasons and that its perfectly acceptable to hollow that sucker out to hide a giant frozen robot in it. How or why is never satisfactory explained, nor does it have to be explained. The Jezus is there!
"Gods, I hate you Shia Lebouf"
The only function sector 7 had was to keep Megatron a secret and they pretty much screwed it up the first chance they had. This means there are douchier entities in the galaxy then Starscream and wouldn't you know it, they work for the US government. But still, awesome headquarter guys.
7 Library Special Operations
The leader of this group is called mr Joker. The man behind the shadows is called mr gentleman. The internet practically laughed at me when I googled 'Library special operations' and the lead agent is called mrs Deep making me sort off afraid to google it knowing that 98% of the internet would want to show me porn.
Great, the makers of this show have made sure that all their characters and the title of the show are completely immune to Google. Nice work guys.
Top hit for 'mr Joker' Big fucking surprise.
The organization 'Library special operations' features in the seriously weird Anime 'read or Die' and they're a special branch to the library of congress. I think. Whenever a book gets lost these are the guys who go find it. Naturally to accomplish this often dangerous mission they have the full might of the US Army, navy and Airforce at their disposal. And even then, the books are not always recovered....
This is as weird as it gets, kids. Library Special Operations? Mr Joker? Mrs Deep? I don't even know what to write anymore. Who in their right mind would give these people power? Duh, the US government.
6 The Firm
We meet this organization in 80's classic Airwolf. The firm is a branch of the CIA and works on really secret stuff like jet powered helicopters and finding ways to put lasers on them in later seasons.
The Firm is the first organization on this list that makes any sense. Sure the US government would have people working on top secret stuff. Sure they have people who think the future should be a brighter, more laser filled place. They only screwed up once or twice when their top weapons were stolen and hardly ever provided Hawke with wrong intelligence. Hey, they should give these guys the job of the proper CIA.
5 The centre
This organization distinguishes itself by virtue of noone knowing what the hell was going on in there. Creating supermen? Creating super viruses? Training chameleons? Seriously, did they have any coherent policy at all?
The centre was featured in The Pretender, a show whose only purpose was to show the awesome jaw line of Michael T Weiss at every opportunity and was the quintessential group of badguys. They occupied a giant complex of labs, offices and torture chambers and in some episodes the complex is shown to be so ludicrously vast that they need mountaineering equipment to reach some places. Why exactly the government would pay for something so massive and yet so apparently useless is never explained. Oh, there were also rasping old men with breathing machines at every freaking corner. Or was it the same guy? We may never know.
But then, who cares? Jaw line!
4 Men in Black
The men in black could have been a hell of a lot cooler if it weren't revealed that they're basically the earth immigration service. Still, the use of alien technology and the presence of Tommy Lee Jones as pre eminent agent is pretty awesome and even Will Smith doesn't besmudge the coolness to much by willsmithing the place up with bad rap lyrics and stupid trailer friendly quotes.
Also, they're the first organization to include aliens in their ranks which means:
3 Stargate Command
Don't be fooled by the ever apparent lumbering incompetence of the US government. They got a branch for everything and some can be pretty competent. Stargate Command was created for the express purpose of protecting the world against ancient Egyptian gods and gaining alien technology to become as badass as possible in as short a time as possible. And this was only for starters. Later standing orders for the SGC included finding the lost city of atlantis, stopping an armada of alien battleships on multiple occasions, holding off a black hole, getting rid of alien plant infestations, solving a time crisis, curing diseases unknown to man and eventually, directing earth's own fleet of space ships.
Also, I like to think they were in charge of Earth's campaign of directing the much hated Ewoks to extermination camps to the loud cheers of all Starwars fans.
"Come along little Ewok, lets get you to a gas chamber."
Ewok extermination aside, Stargate Command is easily the most competent US branch ever imagined by anyone, making it probably the most unrealistic one. Ah well, people can dream right?
MASK, or Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand is not so much a secret organization dedicated to fighting crime as it is group of really rich people fighting in mock battles against another group of even richer people. Together, Matt Trakker and Miles Mayhem have enough money to buy God and sell him again on E-bay.
In order to keep their ludicrously rich battle exercises a secret they employ normal looking vehickles and wear masks with powers so weird they ensure MASK will probably never become a life action movie. Well, unless Michael bay is in need of another paycheck in the next decade.
The monstrously stupid plans of VENOM and the equally ludicrous solutions devised by MASK make this show worth your while until the end of time. Don't believe me?
Here, VENOM has decided to steal the statue of Liberty by building a giant elevator beneath it:
They threaten to blow it up by remote control. MASK solves this problem by creating a force field around it to block radio signals. Apparently, raising her arms in Jezus mode helps the blocking signal.
Two other MASK agents climb the statue and defuse the bombs. YEEEH!
All MASK needed was a way to get its agents to the secret headquarters quicker. And that's why they're not nr 1.
As far as secret organizations go the World Organization Of Human Protection has it all. Awesome headquarters, unlimited spending and a leader who is so batshit insane he's a genius.
It featured in the show Totally spies and I'm convinced the whole setup of this show began life as drunken scribbles on a napkin.
Yes, WOOHP has nukes. Why an organization apparently dedicated to human protection would have direct access to the US nukes is not explained and in all fairness its just used as a means of added drama when a badguy takes over Jerry's body. Every other second of this show is filled with girl talk, monumental stupidity on account of every character except Jerry and those stupid gadgets. Damn the French.
But still, WOOHP has the tubes. A way to bring agents to the W-shaped headquarters in a second and this is in every way the most awesome mode of transport ever conceived by crazy bald mustached men. Jerry pretty much knows everything and only sends out teenage girls on missions for his personal amusement. In a fictional universe of mind boggling idiocy, he's the single awesome rock of Gibraltar.
Jerry, be saluted.
Fictional secret organizations can rule!