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I haven't checked my mail in 3 years but hey, give it a shot.
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Skyline
Skyline is an incredibly spectacular movie that somehow still failed to impress me in any way. This is something of an achievement as I’m normally very easy to impress in the field of alien invasion. Not this time. This is the worst alien invasion since the day the earth stood still, with which I also have several gripes. The main
problem is I couldn’t care less if any of the so-called main characters
died in this movie. There were all irritating anyway. Especially Turk from
Scrubs. What was his character description? Rich and annoying? That seems
to define his entire character for the entire film when he’s there. His
biggest character development is getting sucked in that alien vagina. None
of the other characters is any better, several are much worse.
I’ll immediately admit Independence day was not Shawshank redemption in the field of character development but at least the people there had characters to speak off and showed emotion aside aside from mindless screaming. The Skyline humans appear to be cut from cardboard and put in front of cameras.
I couldn’t make sense of the ending and
I couldn’t make sense of the human actions. Since when do we need to fly
planes directly into the enemy ship before we fire the nukes? Can’t we do
that from The aliens
suck. There, I said it. Squiggly many tentacled blobs of incoherent grey
slime are no more intimidating then a brick to the face is. Yes, they kill
people. Boohoo. Bears kill people. Sharks kill people. I’m fucking
terrified of bears and sharks. These aliens? Meh. I’d still die screaming obviously but
mostly because I couldn’t actually discover any shape or form in what was
killing me. If moviemakers wish to scare us, I suggest they forego the
tentacled monstrosities for a change. Only Japanse people are terrified of
these and mostly because over there tentacles usually involve a thorough
raping. Why is it apparently so hard to create decent aliens? Does a writer have to be insane like HG Giger to do it? Giger, Philip K Dick, Robert Heinlein. These people knew how to write about a creature that wasn’t human and make it believable. How hard can this be? They did it right in movies in the past. For your convenience, here's a selection of awesome aliens and for comparison, Mel Gibson.
Sucksornot.info Alien countdown. (and Mel Gibson)
5. Predator
Predator is scary because he’s invisible and likes to toy with humans he sees as being able to offer at least a moderate challenge. His face seems to be designed to terrify (and it is, by Ray Winstone) and he stronger and taller then Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Glover, Adrian Brody and Lawrence Fishburne combined. That most of these people managed to kill one is probably due to luck, bad script writing and sheer awesomeness. I’ll let you decide which belongs to who.
4. Independence day alien
Ok, it has tentacles. Ok,
they were defeated by arguably the stupidest way possible in movie
history and actually, they look a lot like the aliens from War of the worlds,
which I hate. However, unlike most aliens, these ones were actually
vulnerable to bullets, a quality many movie hero humans also seem to lack.
Vulnerability to bullets is an important point that most movies simply
will not make. Machine guns are equally useless as nuclear bombs as long
as it’s a hero or giant monster that’s being targeted, unless the hero
pulls the trigger. In Independence day, a single alien is killed on screen
and he dies by being shot by anonymous secret service dudes.
Yes, Independence day actually acknowledged that guns can kill things.Think that's a stupid reason for putting it on this list? You're totally right.
3. Goa'Uld (Stargate)
For clarity, the one on the right is the Goa'Uld.
Its good to see the more 'fabulous' aliens getting some attention in a Sci fi series. Well ladida, you big man you. Does crushing galactic empires make you feel horny? They're gay, is the point I'm trying to make here. My gay jokes suck, badly.
Moving on.
2. Bugs
Yes, another appearance by the starship trooper bugs on sucksornot.info. I know. I need therapy. However, these aliens are only one of a very select few times in movie history where they aren’t simply humanoids with funny foreheads but actual, totally inhuman, non-bipedal, oh-my-god-his-face-is-claws, aliens and this is refreshing. Also, it has claws where its face is. This is horrible. Seriously, look at its face.
1. Alien
My number one alien is the one, imaginatively called, the alien. I suppose its actual scientific term is ‘the xenomorph’ but that sounds about as intimidating and scary as ‘the paper towel’. Seriously, fuck science.
These
things scared everybody in movie 1 and 2. Sadly, those are the only movies
they ever made and they were never seen again in cinema. EVER. This is a
shame really. Its like Indiana Jones, just 3 movies and he was done. Even
worse with Ghostbusters, they just got 1 movie. All great characters who
really deserved another good movie but never got one.
EVER. -- I think I
was reviewing a movie at some point. Ah well, never mind. I have placed
all my hopes and dreams of a good alien invasion movie with ‘world
invasion’ and a really vague movie called ‘monsters’ which can mean
anything really. Somewhere in all the tentacles and grey gobblyness there
must be a decent alien waiting to scare the shit out of all of us.
Michael Ironside's for Skyline:
-Giant monsters. Score. -Lot of fighting, most of it chaotic and some of it kinda stupid. Still, score. -Incomprehensible plot -Incomprehensible human behaviour -Ending so stupid it went back in time and punched Abraham Lincoln.
Back to the world of sucks and rules
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Check back sometime next week as there is a reasonable chance I'l be talking about Tron: legacy and the awesomeness of Jeff Bridges.
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