I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
The world has been given the gift of Michael bay. A director who doesn't care for good taste, nor decent acting nor decent story telling nor decent scene selection nor realism nor everything that doesn't have to do with explosions. He has given us such cinematographic gems as 'Armageddon' and 'Transformers 1'which were totally dependant on loud ludicrous action scenes with next to no story, stupid characters and scene upon scene of totally idiotic lunacy.
I liked those movies.
I liked every Michael bay movie thus far with the exception of 'Pearl Harbor' and that was only because I'm a historical nitpicker. Michael bay's idiocy entertained me and actually managed to be relaxing. Explosions are awesome, lets come to terms with that simple truth. Explosions rule and make us realize what a boring universe we actually live in. And yet, I wasn't entertained by Transformers 2. Not only was I not entertained, I was shocked. I was shocked to the very core. My whole belief of what entertainment should be was thoroughly shaken.
Ok, where to begin? I guess the story is as good a place as any. Its practically not worth mentioning anyway. The Autobots still battle their Decepticon foes on earth but realize the their struggle has become a lot more complicated when Megatron is resurrected and some robot called the fallen plots his vengeance (not really sure where he came from in the first place). The struggle is not only more complicated, its more irritating as well with the arrival of the skin crawlingly annoying Autobot twins and the apparent escalation of the use of small robots to spy on humans. Why exactly all these spies must have Brooklyn accents is never explained.
The story sucks. Fair enough. Other Michael bay films had stories that sucked. No problem. True to the line of expectation the characters are quite laughable as well. Either Michael Bay really doesn't know how human beings function or he truly believes they're all total idiots because that's what they are in his movies. Complete and utter idiots. From the general who thought it was a good idea to leave the cube sliver practically unprotected to that stupid roommate of Sam who spent the whole movie being an irritating train wreck of a human being. Somehow this greatly annoyed me. Why is everyone supposed to be so stupid? Is it to hide the facts that the transformers themselves were probably just as dumb?
So, we come to what truly matters. The action. I have reviewed a lot of movies with the same problems as transformers and they still had the potential to be awesome. The action is all that matters and Transformers 2 is one rollercoaster experience of mind shattering power. From the opening battle scene where most of Shanghai is obliterated to the end battle where battle ships blast away at giant robots, the action is beyond our meager human comprehension. Over 40 robots battling with each other and human troops is not something we'll likely see again any time soon. The CGI is so overwhelmingly powerful that at some point I started doubting the very solidity of the walls themselves. The stairs I walked on seemed to flow, the velvet of the chairs transforming into sharks to attack me. I was stunned. Knocked senseless by the sheer force of it. Robots. Robots everywhere!
Also, somewhere in between the robot smashing, Megan Fox managed to be as flaming hot as ever without doing anything remotely useful to the plot.
Now, ordinarily this movie might be steamrolling towards a perfect 5 MI review at this point. However, in between the massively powerful action sequences and the pointless plot moving waste of time there were dark forces at work. Dark forces clearly coming from the brain of Michael bay himself. Dark juvenile forces reminiscent of the Satanic ideas of George Lucas himself. I'm talking about the hideously horrible comic relief forces of these powers of movie ruination:
-The autobot twins. Dear god, they reminded me of Jar Jar Binks. The horror.
-Sam's parents. Good lord, get them off the screen! The very lowpoint of the movie was when Sam's mother got stoned and started acting like a moron in an orgy of pointlessness that seemed to last forever.
-The small Decepticon spies. Irritating, useless and total failures.
-That conspiracy dude Sam meets at college. Yet another failed attempt at comedy. Simply painful to see.....
-Jetfire. A robot with a metal beard, a cane and bad stories about how his ancestor used to be a wheel. So horribly unfunny that it hurt. It physically hurt me to watch it.
It was coasting along real well until the wall of bad juvenile comedy stopped the whole movie in its tracks. The bad comedy got the upper hand and turned even the gigantically awesome end battle into a travesty. Jetfire donating its parts to Optimus Prime? Have we truly come to the point where we simply take horrible japanese plot twists from cartoons and stick them directly in a movie? yes, I know that was a spoiler but at this point I DON'T CARE! Can't you see what's happening? People might like this! People might like good action movies being crammed with horrifying bad humor that turn our brains to mush and burn the connection action+stupid jokes in our nervous system. Dear god, Michael Bay may have ruined the awesome action genre for everyone right here.
I may need some time to get over this. Perhaps in two years I'll be ready to watch another Transformers movie but please, for the love of God, for the love of all that fans of action movies hold dear do not make it as stupid as Transformers 2
Sort of final verdict:
-Action sequences so awesome I am certain part of my brain melted.
-Humor so stupid I'm positive I walked out with a lot less brain cells leaving my brain a twisted melted remnant of its former glory.
-Optimus Prime and Megatron are still cool.
-The Fallen was a superfluous retard of a villain.
For the love of God, let part 3 be better.