I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:
Transmorphers: fall of man
Hmm, Transmorphers. Giant robots that turn into cars. This movie reminds of another movie but I can't quite put my finger on it. Aw well, I'm sure it will come to me later.
Life is good for police officer Hadley in a random interchangeable American town. Sure, he has a few issues that nag him. The odd drunk driver, the cheeky college girls using their cell phones while driving and the odd giant robot invasion. He remains stoic under it all. While people around him panic and choose to either run around in circles or die at the earliest convenient time he devises a plan to stop the robots. He does this with the obligatory woman and someone who can repair TV's. Hmm, terrible story with implausible plot, wooden characters and scenes that don't seem to fit together. Reminds me of another robot movie but I just can't seem to remember.....
There are robots in this movie. However, each time they're on screen they appear so short you might as well watch a Citroen commercial. Oh and while you're watching that commercial you may also note that the Citroen robot looks a hell of a lot more convincing. In fact, the only thing the Transmorphers have going for them is the fact that they're armed with guns. Also, I haven't caught them dancing, thank God.
That other robot movie that I can't or don't want to remember left a deep sense of suckiness in everyone who saw it who has a brain. It was terrible in a way only Michael Bay can be terrible. It left me with a tic that made me shout out loudly 'OH GOD NOOOOO' every time someone used a word that started with the letter T or M. It was inconvenience at its worst. But at the very least, that movie which I will not or cannot mention, was at least that, a movie. With Transmorphers, I have no idea. Yeah, there is some sort of story. There are definitely characters of some sort and occasionally something blows up for reasons I don't fully understand. But is it a movie? I don't think so. Its a glorified commercial. Its someone's low budget idiotic school play put on film with special effects made by lunatics in a Columbian insanity asylum using nothing but crayon.
But then it hit me. I had sit through nearly the whole stupid thing (almost 90 minutes of my sorry life gone) before I realized it. Its not a movie. Its an attempt to sucker people into thinking they're buying 'Transformers 2' OH GOD NOOOO and escaping with the cash to Switzerland where they can make more movie lookalikes. Dear God, what if these people touch franchises I really care about or mess with franchises that were already crap?
Dear lord. They have!
The horror of these movies is the realization that the creativity of man has reached a low beyond any low we thought previously possible. If it gets any lower we're going to see total reboots of franchises were they're just blatantly going to retell a story that was terrible to begin with. Honestly, how hard can it be to come up with movie stories? If its impossible to come up with new things, just think of stuff that has been done and jumble it up. The previously internet confined world of crossovers beckens.
Check these examples and realize their terrible potential:
-Dogs save the world from robots
-Hulk versus superman
-WW2 movie but instead of Germans there are aliens.
-aliens versus monsters
Those examples took me 5 minutes to come up with and they have all been done before in one form or the other. Creativity is indeed dead. Long may it rest.
What the hell was I reviewing again?